Trainer Riding 101

This class synopsis is written to provide an objective perspective or “how-to” of riding a bicycle trainer (no dummy; not training wheels… but a “trainer” described under definitions) to new students of this activity.

Definitions:
Bicycle: A two-wheeled device with a metal(ish) frame that is propelled forward when you rotate pedals connected to a chain. It also has handlebars for your hands and a small seat to park your butt.
Trainer: An individual that trains another individual, bug, or animal on a specific activity. Whoops… wrong trainer. A device you can “park” the rear tire of your bicycle on, raising the rear wheel off the floor allowing an individual to pedal like hell for miles upon miles and hours upon hours and never move an inch.
Individual: A person foolish enough to sit on his/her bike parked on a trainer and pedal like hell for hours upon hours and miles upon miles never move an inch.

Overview: Riding a trainer sucks. This class will provide some non-sucky advice on tolerating sitting on your bike parked in a trainer and pedaling like hell for hours upon hours and miles upon miles and never move an inch.
Advice: Avoid riding a trainer at all costs. Your butt will get sore, you’ll start hallucinating and singing, and its boring as hell.
Alternative Activity: Curling, Darts, or indoor Badmitton. Cards are good too.

Extra points: Buy as many DVDs of other individuals foolish enough to sit on their bike parked in a trainer for hours upon hours and miles upon miles and never move an inch and see just how many hours upon hours you can tolerate by watching them pedal like hell and never move. Have another individual in your household (not one that is foolish enough to sit on their bike parked in a trainer for hours upon hours and miles upon miles and never moving an inch) document the time spent beyond 10 minutes. If the DVDs of other individuals don’t’ help you stay on for longer than 10 minutes, buy a device that pumps loud music into your eardrums to a melodic tune of your liking. Yanni may not work - AC/DC will. Take a YOGA class to learn how to endure the impossible. Yes, there’s a reason Yogis can twist their bodies into pretzels. That same philosophy can be applied to figuring out how to sit on your bike parked in your trainer for hours upon hours and miles upon miles and never move an inch.

Final Exam: There ain’t one. You already did it. You accomplished the impossible and now know how to set your butt on your bike seat parked in your trainer and pedal like hell for hours upon hours and miles upon miles and never move an inch. Congratulations.